Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in fishisfish's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
10:17 pm	Homophobia and Gender Discrimination at Ojai Spa On Thursday, April 5th, my partner Bornbent and I took the day off work in order to enjoy a relaxing day at Ojai Spa. Bornbent had actually planned it as a surprise for me and I didn’t know what we were doing until we got there. ( Read More ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
8:15 pm	Valentines Wish me a valentine! if you want... http://wishroll.com/valentinr/varnitsky (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
9:31 pm	LA Exploration Take Two So we now live in a beautiful little house in Highland Park. It has a yard, a garden, a patio with a grill and a big kiddie pool. It's beautiful inside and out. We've been spending the last week plus unpacking and setting up. I even made a table for the patio. Yesterday, I walked on this sweet, tiny, rural-like little road right behind our house on Mt. Washington. At the end of the road, there's a trail that continues along the edge of the hill and across the 110, you can see this other hill with a trail that goes straight up. I really wanted to climb that other hill. So today, I drove around until I found the base of that hill and hiked my ass up it. It was in Debs Park which is right across the 110 from our house. At the top, there are more trails and a pond. There were kids floating on this big rafty wooden thing. I could see hazy downtown through the trees. I could hear a band practicing as the sound wafted up the hill. Then I hiked down and drove around till I found a place to access this little river that runs along the 110 called Arroyo Seco which must feed into the LA River. On my way there, I drove by this house with a huge metal sculpture of a dragonfly. The eyes were disco balls. I had to take pictures. Then the artist/woman who lived there walked out and we chatted for a bit. It was so random and cool. Current Music: the decemberists (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
5:18 pm	L.A. Exploration Take One Today I went to Monrovia Falls about 20 miles east of LA. Then I came back and drove around Highland Park where D and I are moving in 4 days! (It's a great little neighborhood and we have a great place. I'm really excited about it.) I washed my car at this place on York and then had a delicious street taco at a truck in front of there. Then I drove around the hills of Highland Park and Mt. Washington. Last night D and I went to a Dyke Games Night that I found on craigslist. It was actually really fun. It was at Susina Bakery on Beverly and La Brea. We had good times. I took part in a "sub game" of cribbage while we played a pop culture trivia game. Last weekend, D's friends threw a party for me to welcome me to L.A. I met some new people and got drunk. Yay! It was so sweet. Tomorrow, we go to Blessing of the Cars all day and then to see a Japanese musician, Yuko Nexus6 at the Schindler House. I guess I can say that life is good. I like L.A. right now. Current Mood: calm Current Music: D and J chattin in the air-conditioned bedroom (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
8:50 pm	National Coming Out Day is October 11th! The GSA (gay straight alliance) at my school is going to do COming Out day. This will be their first big event ever! They are so great. They have all these ideas about things they want to do and so much energy. I love them! (Comment on this)
8:47 pm	students like butch dyke teacher! Today several students expressed concern that I won't be their teacher next semester (I'm only teaching Biology and Physiology for the fall semester taking the place for a coworker on maternity leave- but I will teach Health in the spring!). It made me happy! They like me. We're on the 5th week of school. I run my classroom like I don't care what they think about me, but of course I do. It's just cool to me that being a butch dyke with a beard, they are able to see me as a person, my personality as their teacher, and like me, and not have a perpetual bias against me because of the way I look. This is why the youth have always exemplified my hope for change and the future. They're more real than adults. YAY for the YOUTH! Current Mood: content Current Music: iron and wine (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, September 16th, 2005
8:34 pm	Tired teacher complaining and hoping Okay, back into my third year of teaching. I'm so tired already and it's only the end of the third week. It seems like more events occur in the fall than in the spring. My weekends are already full for a month it seems. Tomorrow and Sunday I'm going to Pt Reyes to learn about Ecology. Next weekend is Folsom. After that, L.A. After that, my mom is in town. After that, a two day Wildlife Rehab Class. After that, a friend's wedding. and so on. And then of course there's grading and lesson planning all mixed in. But, my life is full and I'm happy. I'm happier when I'm busy; it's true. I've been thinking about filling up a life. Since hang-gliding, I realized that there are things I want to do and I had better do them. I probably won't be dying soon, but you never know. For instance, things I want to do: - learn how to hang-glide and buy my own glider - live in another country for at least a year - have a dog - learn one of the Chinese languages - travel in Europe- see Paris, Italy, Germany, Greece, Spain - go to the Amazon rainforest and river - learn how to cook and become confident doing so - learn how to river kayak - learn how to fly fish - go backpacking more regularly - take classes in history and government - take more science classes - figure out how to find new music that I like on my own - take ceramics classes again - have a garden - learn how to landscape - teach in another country - jump out of a plane with two parachutes on and live - watch the birth of someone I'm close to, maybe even become a midwife someday - own a reptile like a lizard, turtle, or frog - own a rat - live on a farm or own some land - own a house - birth a child - be a parent The last two are a big commitment so I should try to get some of the others done first. (AND make some money) I was talking to a co-worker friend of mine today about parenting. He said that it's something you do if you've got 20 free years. It's a good point. I guess I need to organize and prioritize my list. We'll see. But it feels pretty good to have done one thing that would've been on that list (go hang-gliding) or maybe two (become a teacher) before I'm thirty. I just want to keep going. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: no one's home silence (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
10:24 pm	FLYING- It's so human HANG-GLIDING was amazing. Humans flying. It seems so wrong, but let me tell you, it was so right. Everything about it. The jumping off the cliff, the soaring in the air around and around and up and down on the thermals, the turning, the twisting, the drops and the climbs, the descent over the water and the beach, and finally the run and then thud into the sand. I want to do it again. I want to fly. This is what my dreams were for years- I would run and then I would fly, although in the dreams, I would sort of swim through the air rather than soar. It seemed to make more sense in my dreaming brain. I would do a sort of breast stroke through the air. But this time, I didn't have to do that! This was for real, the way we've made ourselve able to do it- with an implement. With tools! I've got to say, I'm impressed with us humans. The flying when we're not made to fly, swimming underwater, seeing tiny tiny nano things, really really far things, and so many others. But what I really care about is flying. An individual flying, not in a plane. I must do this again. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
9:08 pm	welcome back students To the teens I'm about to meet- We're both starting something new tomorrow. You will be learning about biology or physiology, as well as getting to know each other and a new teacher- me! I'll be starting my first year at the same school, a fact that has made me more calm and relaxed than ever before. It's my third year teaching, but knowing the school, the administration, the faculty and staff, and even some of you makes it so much easier. See, for those of you who don't know me (and haven't seen me yet), I look different than most teachers you've ever had. I'm obviously a dyke. I'm sure you've either had lesbian teachers before or at least have known some in your schools. But that's not it really. I'm butch. You know, I look like a guy. Some of you will probably even try to call me Mr. Hollis as a joke, but you'll soon see that I don't really care- in fact, in my "real" life (my life outside of teaching), some people even call me "he" and I like it! I know that's confusing for many of you. And that's okay with me. I'm not here to teach you about me. I'm here to teach you about science. But in the process, I hope that my presence as your teacher, a person who looks different from how men and women are "supposed" to look, will open your minds and even change some of them. Some of you will not like me. That's just reality and I'm okay with that. But you do have to give me respect. And you have to respect each other and yourselves. Some of you will be in awe of me and wonder why I look this way? How do I live a normal life? Why am I a teacher? And maybe you'll start to understand that I look this way because this is me; this is how I feel like myself. And I'm a teacher for godsake, how much more normal of a life can you get? Now, why am I a teacher? You'll hopefully understand that too by the time we're through. But the basics: I love learning new things. Specifically, I love learning about how the natural world works; that's science. I was taught to always be open to learning new things and because I enjoy it, I want others to feel a similar feeling, at least sometimes maybe. And ultimately, I love you. You all are fucking funny! And interesting and thoughtful and you have these moments of revelation that make my heart jump. And I get to learn things from you too! You know I love that. I remember what it was like to be a teenager. (I know, all adults say that! But I seriously never thought I would grow up. Yet here I am!) I remember feeling so passionate, so full of life and feelings and new ideas that I thought I would burst. And I was lucky enough to have some of that energy channeled into questions and curiosity about life. I want to do that for you too, at least a little bit, if you'll let me. Finally, some of you will be relieved to see me in front of the classroom. You may have feelings of being different- maybe gay parents or family, maybe you're gay yourself, maybe you are questioning your own gender, or maybe you're just a teenager and, like every other teenager, you feel different from everyone else. You'll be happy to see that someone as different as me, as weird as me, can live a normal, happy life. And that ultimately means that you can too. So, here we go! Let's do this together and have a good time! Current Mood: accomplished (1 Comment |Comment on this)
8:57 pm	Here's the website about the urine batteries: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/08/0818_050818_urinebattery.html (Comment on this)
8:55 pm	This is fucking cool! from the scientists group: New Batteries Urine Battery Turns Pee into Power Before you next flush the toilet, consider this: Scientists in Singapore have developed a battery powered by urine. When a drop of urine is added to the paper through a slit in the plastic, a chemical reaction takes place that produces electricity, Lee said. The prototype battery produced about 1.5 volts, the same as a standard AA battery, and runs for about 90 minutes. Researchers said the power, voltage, and lifetime of the battery can be improved by adjusting the geometry and materials used. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
10:32 pm	Memory A One- Time Self Study on Memory while reading the article, “How We Learn- Do Visual, Auditory, and Kinesthetic Learners Need Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic Instruction?” (My Meta-Analysis) [Preface: I didn’t start reading the article with the intent of self-analysis.] [Method: Note-taking] As I was reading this article, my first meta-thoughts that I recognized were about my own memory problems- how I seem to never be able to remember anything. So I became very interested in the article, but I also started to become a little distracted by this meta-thinking, this constant self-reflection. (‘Do I do that?’ ‘Is that why I can’t seem to remember things?’) As I continued reading the article, I then began to notice that I was thinking about my own teaching practice. This was the reason I began to read it in the first place. How could I use this research to become a better teacher? The gist of the article is two-fold. 1. While people do tend to have a preferred mode of remembering things, there is no such thing as visual, auditory or kinesthetic learners; ie, this theory is not supported by the research. 2. Teachers should teach to the content’s best modality, not the student’s. We want them to learn meaning. So, as a science teacher, if I want my students to remember what something looks like, I can show them a picture and if I want them to remember how to pronounce a word, I give them practice saying it. But if I want them to remember a process or what something means, I have to think about the best way of presenting that material, and not just say it for the auditory learners and write it for the visual learners. Because the content of the article was contrary to what I had learned in my own teacher’s training, I then began to reflect on that training. I thought about how I wanted to tear this article out of the American Educator and take it to one of my professors. I then thought how this was just another piece of evidence showing how inadequate my credential program is. At this point, I realized that these meta-thoughts were interesting in and of themselves and that they may be key to my memory problems. So I began to jot down the previous three topics that had come to mind as I read. They looked like this: My memory Teaching Teacher’s training My roommate answered the phone sometime after this and he was walking around the house talking loudly. I kept rereading the same sentence and not getting the meaning behind it. I realized that it was very hard to focus with this noise (duh) so I put my fingers in my ears but it was still difficult. I began to get even farther into my head and away from the article as I had the thought that it was interesting that I was taking notes on my thought process and how this whole thing was like a study on myself. My notes now looked like this: My Meta- Process when Reading an Article on Memory and Learning My memory Teaching Teacher’s training Hard to focus with outside noise of roommate Deciding to write the process down The outside noise continued so I found myself increasingly agitated. It was hard to focus. I realized that I was biting my nails and my brain was hurting. I could hear my roommate talking to his girlfriend and I kept hearing parts of the story he was telling and I would get totally off track with what I was reading and have to reread a lot. I then thought, ‘Maybe I have a good auditory memory as is evidenced by my current auditory distraction and my ability to reproduce accents of foreign languages (which is an example in the article).’ So now my notes look like this: My Meta- Process when Reading an Article on Memory and Learning My memory Teaching Teacher’s training Hard to focus with outside noise of roommate Deciding to write the process down Biting nails, rereading to focus, head and brain hurting Listening to auditory à do I have good auditory memory? (foreign language accents) At this point, I realized that perhaps my memory is so shoddy because I get so distracted (like now, when reading this article) rather than being in the moment. A friend recently suggested that that was why I have a poor memory. She said that I am not focused on the moment, but instead, always thinking about something else. Notes up to now: My Meta- Process when Reading an Article on Memory and Learning My memory Teaching Teacher’s training Hard to focus with outside noise of roommate Deciding to write the process down Biting nails, rereading to focus, head and brain hurting Listening to auditory à do I have good auditory memory? (foreign language accents) My memory is poor because I’m always thinking of other things when doing something (like reading right now) Then I drew a little arrow from the last statement to the first one, realizing that I had come full circle- back to my original quest with my meta-thinking- to understand why I have a poor memory. What does this all mean? It’s too late. I’m tired. And I can’t remember. Current Mood: meta (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
8:58 pm	community and class Community is weird. Today I met some people at a bbq who were really nice, smart, and interesting. You don't find that very often. It seems like people in the transplanted queer community in the Bay Area are so in their own insular little worlds and so tightly guarding its exclusivity that genuine communication is rare. But this couple was just friendly and open and interested in meeting new people. And they were both actually really smart and interesting to talk to. I don't know about their class background but I would guess that both grew up working class. My theory: Most people who are queer transplants to the Bay Area come from a middle class background(this doesn't include many people I know, so that's why I said 'most'). These queer transplants make up a majority of the "queer dyke/trans community", ie, the "scene-y" people and these are the people who are so insular and too cool to let people in their shallow worlds. They are trying to create a club of sorts, modeled after their parents' country club aesthetics while self-righteously believing that the simple fact of their 'queerness' makes them rebels. Not that I care about getting into these people's worlds. In fact, I'm quite satisfied that they are so successful at weeding out people who are actually interesting; that way I don't accidentally get caught up in that mess most of the time. It's funny. Just as I was feeling too critical and bitchy to meet anyone new in that crowd, I met them and we (along with 3 other people) had a great conversation for a couple of hours. Community and class are linked up for me. There's a uniquely comfortable feeling I get when I know other people understand where I come from. It doesn't happen that often. Only some people. But I do have feelings of it when I hear other people talk about families and backgrounds who are even somewhat similiar to mine. Reading amarama's post from felix about the craziness of her family, even though it was intense (to say the least), was comforting. I guess knowing that you're not the only one helps. I think I'm having all this come up because I'm going home in three days. I'm nervous. There's something so deeply difficult about it that I cover up and bury deep inside me everytime I go. I left them. That's the truth. I left my family because they were fucked up and I knew it and I didn't want to be a part of it. I wanted a different life. And I feel really guilty for it. Everytime I go back, I have conflicting feelings. I love them. There was abuse. I hate them. They're funny. They're addicts. I'm ashamed of them. I'm ashamed of them in me. They're hicks and hillbillies and uneducated and unsophisticated. I'm supposed to care about these things now. Everyone in the rest of the country hates them. They're the people who commit hate crimes. They're the girls who get pregnant at 16 years old. They're the boys who huff paint in plastic bags. They're the boys and girls who were sexually abused by their family members and who continue the cycle. They're racist. They get lost in the city. They can't eat anything but hamburgers and hotdogs and fast food. I feel all these awful, disgusted feelings towards them. But I also feel that they fucking love me so hard and so unconditionally that I don't really understand them for it. I'm queer and I look like a guy. I went to college and got a degree and I moved away from them. Everything that they've learned should tell them to reject me and push me away. But they pull me even closer. They want to protect me and love me and take care of me. "Who gives a shit if you like chics?" my sister's boyfriend says. This doesn't fit neatly into the story of hicks from the midwest. Why doesn't this fit into what I've learned about the world? Why do I love them and feel ashamed of them at the same time? Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Mogwai (Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
11:50 pm	home We used to say that my dad was pregnant because he had a beer belly.... Ahhh, St. Louis. Here I am, sitting in my mom's living room watching Dirty Dancing. We just finished wrapping presents, making deviled eggs, cheesecake, and jello for tomorrow. I just got back from Kansas where my Dad, grandma and I debated religion and science with my stepmom, a pastor. The night that I got here, my 24 year old cousin confessed that she was too scared to move out of her mom's house, claiming that, "not everyone is a genius" like me. I guess in my family, it takes a genius to move out and do your own thing.... Tomorrow I will spend Christmas with about 20 of my mother's family where we will eat too much, laugh, and pass around the babies. Then I will visit my father and his wife's family. THen I will visit the stepfamily that I grew up with- my stepsister and brother and their kids. Then, on Monday, my love will come and witness all that is my history and my childhood and decide whether she still loves me.... This is Christmas in St. Louis. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
9:37 pm	pregnant dad i just met the baby of some dykes i know. she's beautiful. they're beautiful. they have an amazing home. it made me want a baby so much. it made the woman in me ache with desire to house a fetus. i've always wanted to have a baby, to be pregnant, to birth a child. but my biological clock has ticked louder and stronger at different times in my life. strangely enough, it's not ticking as hard these days as it used to. i used to get these strange urges, this longing to have a baby. i would have dreams about having children- some of them good and sweet, but most of them frightening. in one dream, i had a little girl who was a cyclops- she had one eye on her forehead and was mentally retarded. i was so overwhelmed and upset that i could birth such a child. in another dream, i had a little girl while i was still in college. it was so realistic because i had to take her around with me to classes. i felt so stressed about her development (because i was so overwhelmed with trying to do well in school) that i would say to her all the time, "you're so smart; you're so beautiful, etc." Finally, i realized that these dreams were about myself. I was the one i was trying to convince was smart and beautiful. I was the one with the problems. and so i focused on myself in therapy and learned to take better care of myself and eventually i stopped having these dreams (as frequently anyway). my biological clock stopped ticking so hard too. a couple of years ago, i read an article that reported that a woman's fertility begins to decline dramatically after the age of 27. I was about 24 and started to freak out. "i don't have a partner to have a baby with, a stable job, money, a house, or even the mindset to have a baby!" i thought to myself. i figured i'd better start preparing to have a kid before i turned 27. after a few months, i got over it and the clock started to slow down. i started to focus on myself and what i wanted to do with my life. i realized that i had to figure out some more stuff about myself, grow up a little (and obviously, get a stable income), before i could even think of having a kid. the biological clock became a minute, slow tapping in the back of the house somewhere, still there, but you had to search for it. now, i'm trying to figure things out about my life- what kind of relationships i want to be in, what kind of job i want, how i want to spend my time, how i want to deal with stress. i've been setting up my life, all with the knowledge that in the distant future, i would like to have kids, but "god forbid" not now! seeing that baby made me start looking at the clock again. i can hear that the volume of the ticking has turned up a bit. but i'm still waiting.... and it's not as strong as it once was. maybe i've passed the age range where it's like a gong in your ear everytime you see a baby. or, maybe it will come back long and strong when i'm good and ready. while we were at the house meeting the baby, someone commented on my beard and how i should meet with an endocrinologist before i try to get pregnant (or else i'd be wasting my time). good point, i said. but it made me depressed. it's something i've thought about before. what if i can't have babies? i've always wanted to be pregnant. and since i've been questioning my gender, i decided i wanted to be the first pregnant 'dad.' but now i'm really concerned. but, the whole thought of being pregnant is strange lately anyway because just the other day, i was thinking about how maybe i want to transition. in so many ways, i feel like a guy. it just feels natural. but then, what butch dyke doesn't feel like a guy? i also feel like a woman though. i want to be pregnant. i like to get fucked. i can't do those things AND be a man. i like having membership in the "dyke community" (though most of the time, the drama is too much). but the big thing it keeps coming back to is people's perception of me in the world. especially as a teacher. wouldn't it be so much easier if i were just mr. hollis? i know that that's not necessarily true, that being trans has it's own (huge) set of stressors. and i also know that that's not the reason for transitioning, that i have to REALLY feel like a man, wholly and completely; i have to hate my body, and be uncomfortable with who i am. and i know that the reason i would want to do it is not transgressive at all- it's me feeling uncomfortable with people's perceptions of me and not wanting to deal with it all the time. it's me wanting to give up and fit in one the two boxes. i get so tired though, of all the people saying "fight fight fight!" do THEY teach? that's what i want to know. it seems like all the genderqueer people i know (and here's my big generalization) are working in places where they are accepted for who they are, like some activist organization or public health or something. i know that's now true either. but it's particularly hard to work with kids and conservative teachers and parents and administration and feel like i have to explain myself all the time. everyone says, once you figure it out for yourself, you'll feel more comfortable and it won't be so hard. well, that's the problem- i haven't figured it out for myself. or maybe i have and it's just a hard place to be. on good days, i feel like, yeah, i'm a masculine identified butch dyke genderqueer, and that's me and i'm cool with it and fuck you world. that's when i've recently received appreciation and validation and recognition in my community (THAT is why i stay connected to the dyke and SM communities). on the bad days, i feel completely lost, and i chastise myself for not fitting in. i think about shaving my beard, and not being out, and trying to be a "normal woman." and that makes me laugh out loud. and then i think about transitioning into a guy and how that would be a lie too, but at least it would feel closer to how i want to be perceived in the world. maybe i'm just a genderqueer person and i have to get okay with that. but it makes me want to cry sometimes in the larger world. i was at the exploratorium today for my teacher's institute and as i walked into the bathroom (and got a scared look from one of the women in there AGAIN), i saw my profile in the mirror and was surprised to see breasts. they seemed unusually large because i had on a fitted t-shirt. (which made it especially weird that i got the look too!) sometimes i'm surprised when i see feminine characteristics about myself. and then tonight, thinking about having a baby, doing something that is so definitively female, after thinking about maybe really being a man today, what cognitive dissonance! i don't know who i am..... and i don't know how i want to have children. maybe my partner should just have the kids and i can transition and be the man. but i feel like that would be a loss for me. i just wish i didn't have all these feelings. it's really frustrating. i feel like this isn't over for me, like i'm always going to be dealing with my gender and 'what' i am. but i just want it settled so i can get on with the living of life, with higher pursuits, with things like knowledge and music and philosophy. there's so much to learn. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: neko case (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
3:06 pm	stupida i have a day to myself and it's great. my father and his wife were in town this past week and it actually went quite well. they met my Daddy and my Girlfriend both and referred to them both as my "girlfriends!" (they don't know about the Daddy thing). we had conversations regarding politics, life, education, family, etc. it was great. now, i'm doing all the shit i need to do and feeling weird about life. i feel so in between sometimes. in between my many lives, anxious, a little discontent. maybe i don't like livejournal because i'm scared of who will read it, but i'm also scared of who won't read it. it's kind of stupid really. but i want to be a part of my friends lives. those strange goings-on that happen behind the scenes. both my Daddy and my Girlfriend have an account here. G knows that i do too, but D doesn't. she keeps talking about it and things people have said on here. and i want to know what's going on too. for instance, bettygirl is my friend, right? but not on here. and i want to know what's going on with her.... but she hasn't added me to her friends list. is that stupid or what? i feel like such a child after reading this crap. i know it's prolly just cause she's busy or whatever.... this is making me have a crappy mood. how stupid. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
5:41 pm	music, love, and teamwork back to school. only one more week. i'm tired of these little fuckers. they're tired of me. ahhh.... education! i had a great weekend with the girlfriend. she came into town on friday night, late. we drove around the city and went to bed late. went to Yo La Tengo saturday night, high off our asses. it was a lucid experience of music, love, and connection. i don't know music very well, but damn- those guys are amazing. there's an interesting qualitative difference in listening to music with your eyes closed compared to watching it being made in front of your eyes. i think this will be the summer of music. what else... we cleaned and rearranged my room. she has a keen eye for space and beauty in organizing. we worked like partners. what a domestic experience. but during sex last night, when i was fucking her and she was wimpering in pain, i actually came out of the scene and asked her if she was alright! this has got to stop. domesticity cannot equal boring sex, can it? i was worried that i was hurting her in a bad way... she, of course, declared that she was fine, and later, chastised me for asking. anyway, this will not go on. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 28th, 2004
9:22 pm	so here i am (sorry real journal) i finally decided to do this. i've thought about it for a long time and kept hearing bout other folks doing it and decided, hey, i want to do that. what i can't figure out though, is this idea of putting "personal" thoughts out there for the public domain. that's what i keep asking people- it's a fucking JOURNAL for christ sakes! isn't the point NOT for other people to read it? but then i was told, by my ever so knowledgeable girlfriend, that people don't always post personal stuff. then my lovely friend told me that it's a "support network." i just can't help thinking, what if people i write about read this? then they know everything. but then, i guess that's not what i'll be writing about, is it? okay. i had to get that out. (i will say, though, that i DO type faster than i write in my REAL journal, whose real name is sexy sexy bicycle. i hope she doesn't get pissed off that i'm using her name... maybe i'll change this one- can't have an angry journal lurking around the house) so here i am at home (alone for once- and probably for the last time in a while) before my amazingly beautiful, astoundingly intelligent girlfriend gets here. she's going to be living here in SF for the summer. it's like a dream. it's like we're jumping off a cliff together. (but aren't we always jumping off a cliff together? that's the beauty.) (the other thing i'm concerned about is that i may stop writing in my handwritten journal. and that would be a pity.) why am i doing this tonight? it does seem like a weird time, considering that she'll be here in a few hours. i guess i wanted to start this before she comes, for one, and for two, this is the only time i've had alone with some energy in, well, a year. being a high school teacher sucks the fucking life out of you. but i can see the end of the suffocating tunnel. only seven more school days left! thanks god. especially considering the harassment i get every day. the kid who shoved another kid into me three times two weeks ago accused me of having a penis yesterday. i kicked him out of my classroom and walked out two minutes later- for the first time all year- i walked out! the funny thing is, i DO have a dick, several of them in fact, and they're all bigger than his will ever be, poor scrawny thing. but i felt SO disrespected. and i wanted to kill him. really. i was so angry. but, fortunately, the kids from the GSA came to my room after school and consoled me and we all went on our previously planned field trip to the castro. An Evening in the Castro, we called it. they were so fucking cute! it felt really good to be a part of that. and, then, as if i were in a movie (where karma gets played out within the whole two hours), one of the queer gsa kids said, "i think it's been really good that you've been here this year. you know, it's good for people to be exposed to, well, people like you." i almost cried. it wasn't all for naught! (okay, this is why i do this. i remember now.) anyway. speaking of high school, i got the newsletter from my high school today. i went to the most privileged school in the universe. and now i'm teaching in an inner city (one might even say "ghetto" but i hate to use that word, especially being white) public school. i can't even comprehend the school i went to or why (i wanted to go and my dad wanted me to have a "good" education) or how (my dad paid for it and so did i-in fact, i'm STILL paying off loans to my fucking high school). these kids have everything, literally everything! they have every type of class- art history, theater, AP classes, asian studies, every sport, the best teachers, a fucking campus!, they go on field trips and study abroad, and half of the population either has a maid in their house or gets a new car for their 16th birthday or both! it's really unbelievable. the wage gap in this country is astounding. and i get to see it and feel it all the time. i grew up that way. that was my first loss of innocence really- driving to that school everyday from my working class neighborhood (and the rest of my family who live in trailers in rural missouri) and just seeing the opulence next to the indigence. this world. this country. sometimes it's too much. ("you DO too much, ms. hollis!") i think i was a little triggered today, too, to think about my teenagerhood because i encountered a student who first of all wasn't eating and may be annorexic (i saw a lot of that in my high school!) and second of all, had what looked like 3 cuts on her arm. i did that in high school. what an attempt to control one's pain. (fascinating phenomenon really). but so sad..... anyway. wow. i had a lot to say. i didn't realize it. you know, i think this live journal might be okay. (at least for today- knowing me, i may never post on here again!) the typing is definitely a good thing. love to the world. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: built to spill (2 Comments |Comment on this)